Was on Facebook today, and I found this video on a friends page.
Its a song, and its called Start Again and its by Ryan Dolan.
The video was so moving and videos like these always get me, and its videos like these that shows/addresses the problems in this age.
And every time I think of young people commuting suicide it makes me feel so sad inside, and I do in fact cry a lot of the time, but a problem is that if I cry suddenly I want to commit suicide my self.
Why do I do this to myself?
Should probably mention that I am alive. I went for a walk at 2:30 in the morning, watched the stars and had a long talk with a friend who I called.
Sometimes I love having a friend who I can call at 2 o'clock in the morning!
I know there's positive things in my life but at times, I can't think of them, not at all. And what am I supposed to say when a friend says everything is all right?
The reason I'm still alive is not because I am careful crossing the road or because I know how to handle a fire. Its because I get so easily distracted. Though I think I'm going to have to explain. I tried to hang myself, it was a poor attempt, but I did. The reason I didn't is because I started biting my nails, who would have thought, biting my nails could save my life. And just today I started writing a suicide note, it turned into more of a confession and then my phone went off. Its still in front of me and in feeling worse than ever!! WHAT DO I DO?!??!!!? please
So my school sucks. Most of the teachers here knows nothing about kids.
Let me explain.
Today at lunch my friend had to go and do a speech thing for English which has absolutely nothing to do with our GCSE's. She wasn't at all looking forward to it. 15 minutes later, she came back crying. She had past two teachers and neither had taken notice of her. One of those teachers had been the pastoral (I think that's how its spelt) teacher, she's supposed to be the one that deals with our problems.... :/ We found out later that the English teacher had asked her to do it again. Not cool. She and me both of us would rather fail the test thingy than have to speak out in front of people for no valid reason.
One of the many reasons my school is shit!
My dads name was Baha Karakütük. And when I was 5 ½ and my sister wasnt even 1 yet he committed suicide. Today is the 10 year anniversary of that day.
But all I'm thinking is its been 10 fucking years and my sister didn't/won't even know her father and all I have is memories. I mean its not like he got involved in a car crash or died of cancer (sorry) but he committed suicide which means he chose not to see his kids grow up. My sister is a beautiful 10 yr old child who doesn't have a father to carry her on his shoulders and make her feel on top of the world, all she has is pictures and what people who knew him have to say. I'm pretty sure this event has something to do with the breakdowns/panic attack, though I'm not sure. Anyways. Bye for now. I'm going to go and listen to some very loud music and forget I ever even had a dad, because its the only thing that helps me to sleep at night.
Picture: below. My dad, my mum and me.
