Caught up.

Facebook post + my reply.

xx

"I can't talk about their loved one who's passed. I get so nervous and can't open up about it. I think since his death in 2013 I've just pushed it out my head. I haven't grieved at all, I haven't really cried as such. I get so annoyed I can't talk about him, people will ask and I'll just give them short answers, as my head just goes blank. I think I always just try and forget about it. And I just can't. You can't do it, there's only so long you can do it before it all just catches up."

"I've been like that for 10 years until it did all catch up with me at once and i became very suicidal, paranoid and depressed and these feelings would hit me suddenly. one night i was talking to a friend about dodo's and all these feelings plus built up anger came at me all at once and because i was talking to that friend at the time i told him everything right down to the scars on my arms. and since then these feeling have come less and i have someone i can talk to cause he already knows everything. I refuse to talk to councilors or therapists but i have someone and it has helped.

not sure if thats would you would have wanted to hear but... "

good luck xx

A rant

I shout at stuff when i get angry. this is me shouting at my dad through a computer.

"hey. guess what i'm getting my GCSE results tomorrow. and where the fuck are you. 6 feet under. you know i keep thinking this is all a mix up or something and you will turn up with a smile on your face and some sob story about working for MI6 and having to be under cover for the past 10 years. that you'll be back to see me start my A levels and you'll see Em all grown up. you know shes dyed her hair for the first time a last week. it really does suit her. ill tell you what else I like this guy but guess what you are not here to go and check him out make sure he lives up to the standards. I mean i can sniff out trouble but you should be here to make sure i am doing the right thing none the less.
You know i think Em has a boyfriend or something of that sort, i think. i don't know. she doesn't talk to me.
i just had my prom. and yeah i also dyed my hair for the first time a few months ago. it looked so fab. greeen! my favourite colour. im not angry at you. just disappointed. because a few weeks ago it should have been you there sitting with me on the curb at midnight not Ray. as amazing as he is. i have trust issues because of you. i don't tell mum when i'm upset i don't even trust my "best friend" to tell her the truth on anything and when i was supposed to see a counselor i blew it off saying i couldn't possibly miss the science lesson i had. I didn't need that science lesson infact i think i didn't even need to go cause i'd already finished my science exams but talking to someone is a whole lotta bullcrap. I think the whole no trust thing is something to do with the fact that my dad who i am supposed to love and trust decided that 6 feet under was better than looking after his 5 year old daughter and not even seeing the first birthday of the second child.
thanks."


*names changed.

Sucks

Welcome to England!! Our school doesn't haven't a fucking guidence councillor.
If I hide it?
You think stopping is that easy. It isn't!! I do suffer so piss off! I am not attention seeking and you think that if it was so easy to stop people would. You know shouting at people who are having a hard time. It doesn't help.

Talking to you Onision

Sickness

Recently been able to keep nothing down. Every meal apart from lunch I haven't been able keep down and to be honest I am completely starving. It has been going on for a week and all I can keep down are grapes. It really does suck. Does anyone know what I might be able to do?

Ryan Dolan

Was on Facebook today, and I found this video on a friends page.

Its a song, and its called Start Again and its by Ryan Dolan.

The video was so moving and videos like these always get me, and its videos like these that shows/addresses the problems in this age.

And every time I think of young people commuting suicide it makes me feel so sad inside, and I do in fact cry a lot of the time, but a problem is that if I cry suddenly I want to commit suicide my self.

Why do I do this to myself?

Alive

Should probably mention that I am alive. I went for a walk at 2:30 in the morning, watched the stars and had a long talk with a friend who I called.

Sometimes I love having a friend who I can call at 2 o'clock in the morning!

Suicide1.0

I know there's positive things in my life but at times, I can't think of them, not at all. And what am I supposed to say when a friend says everything is all right?

Suicide

The reason I'm still alive is not because I am careful crossing the road or because I know how to handle a fire. Its because I get so easily distracted. Though I think I'm going to have to explain. I tried to hang myself, it was a poor attempt, but I did. The reason I didn't is because I started biting my nails, who would have thought, biting my nails could save my life. And just today I started writing a suicide note, it turned into more of a confession and then my phone went off. Its still in front of me and in feeling worse than ever!! WHAT DO I DO?!??!!!? please

School

So my school sucks. Most of the teachers here knows nothing about kids.

Let me explain.

Today at lunch my friend had to go and do a speech thing for English which has absolutely nothing to do with our GCSE's. She wasn't at all looking forward to it. 15 minutes later, she came back crying. She had past two teachers and neither had taken notice of her. One of those teachers had been the pastoral (I think that's how its spelt) teacher, she's supposed to be the one that deals with our problems.... :/ We found out later that the English teacher had asked her to do it again. Not cool. She and me both of us would rather fail the test thingy than have to speak out in front of people for no valid reason.

One of the many reasons my school is shit!

My Dad

My dads name was Baha Karakütük. And when I was 5 ½ and my sister wasnt even 1 yet he committed suicide. Today is the 10 year anniversary of that day.
But all I'm thinking is its been 10 fucking years and my sister didn't/won't even know her father and all I have is memories. I mean its not like he got involved in a car crash or died of cancer (sorry) but he committed suicide which means he chose not to see his kids grow up. My sister is a beautiful 10 yr old child who doesn't have a father to carry her on his shoulders and make her feel on top of the world, all she has is pictures and what people who knew him have to say. I'm pretty sure this event has something to do with the breakdowns/panic attack, though I'm not sure. Anyways. Bye for now. I'm going to go and listen to some very loud music and forget I ever even had a dad, because its the only thing that helps me to sleep at night.

Picture: below. My dad, my mum and me.